


Niall Has a Top-Secret Boyfriend (Everyone Else Ships It)

by roaroftheninth



Series: the boybander and the idiot (except for the part where they're both idiots) [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairings, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roaroftheninth/pseuds/roaroftheninth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall has a top-secret boyfriend. Clearly, everyone else ships it.</p>
<p>Sort-of prequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/841583">'Louis Has a Top-Secret Boyfriend, Too'</a> by Coyotebee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Niall Has a Top-Secret Boyfriend (Everyone Else Ships It)

**Author's Note:**

> This is so much crack, you guys. I wish I were sorry but I'm not.

“The thing is,” Liam says, “the thing is, you’ve signed a non-disclosure agreement, yeah?”

 

Brooke bites her lip. “Yeah?”

 

All of this is like a very surreal voyage to Planet Weird. Brooke’s roommate runs something she very officially calls a ‘1D blog dedicated to Louis Tomlinson’s arse’ and when she found out that Brooke got this job, she choked on nothing at all and proceeded to cough up a lung.

 

Brooke is less enthusiastic. Like, everyone knows who One Direction is, she doesn’t live under a _rock_ , but this is madness on a scale she never anticipated.

 

“She’s signed the non-disclosure agreement, Li, _obviously._ ” The Louis Tomlinson that Brooke’s roomie runs the blog about is picking what Brooke assumes are tiny, brightly-coloured sweets out of Harry Styles’ hair. Harry is letting him do it with a slightly dreamy look on his face, eyes closed.

 

“Did you tell her that we’re not shagging?” Zayn asks, lounging on a recliner on the far side of the room.

 

“What?” Liam goes slightly pink. “No, she didn’t _ask –_ ”

 

“Yeah, but she will, though,” Zayn points out.

 

“It’s the touchy-feelyness,” Harry says, eyes still closed.

 

“None of us are shagging,” Louis declares, and as though that settles it, he goes back to rummaging around in Harry’s hair.

 

“I – all right.” Brooke isn’t sure she would’ve assumed that anyway, but it’s – probably good that the air is cleared, she guesses?

 

“It’s just that, people think that me and Zayn are in some kind of – romantic relationship,” Liam says, and he seems to be a little awkward about it. “We play it up, but it’s meant to be a red herring.”

 

“Liam is obviously very shaggable,” Zayn says loyally. “Just, I’ve got a girlfriend and all.”

 

“Right. And people think that Lou and Harry have got a thing as well,” Liam continues.

 

“I could start a thing with Harry if I wanted to,” Louis says, and he’s eating whatever he’s retrieving from Harry’s hair now, so Brooke really, _really_ hopes that she was right about them just being sweets.

 

“In your dreams,” Harry says, grinning, eyes still closed.

 

“You know you want this,” Louis says, and squawks when Harry nudges him in the stomach.

 

“Yeah, I – I’m not so much a fan, I don’t really follow any of this,” Brooke says, wondering if she should sound more apologetic.

 

“That’s probably why you got the job,” Louis points out.

 

“Yeah. The last assistant we had set up cameras in Harry’s shower,” Zayn says.

 

“Bit ridiculous, really, because if you’re going to set up cameras in anyone’s shower, you’d obviously pick mine,” Louis says.

 

“Obviously,” Brooke echoes.

 

“ _Any_ way,” Liam says, with the obvious intent of getting the conversation back on track.

 

“Did you – sorry. Did you say ‘red herring’ earlier?” Brooke asks.

 

There’s a brief silence.

 

“Possibly?” Liam says.

 

“Red herring for what?” Brooke asks.

 

“Should we tell her?” Harry asks the room in general.

 

“She signed a non-disclosure agreement,” Louis points out.

 

“Right, well. The thing with Harry and Louis, and the other thing with me and Liam, they’re meant to be a distraction,” Zayn says.

 

“Okay.” Brooke wonders why she asked. This is obviously a mad-house.

 

Louis rolls his eyes. “You’re supposed to ask, a distraction from _what_?”

 

At that moment, someone short and blond and probably Niall arrives. Brooke shakes his hand before Niall tosses himself onto the Louis-and-Harry tangle of limbs, announcing, “Dogpile!”

 

“Get off me, you animal, and tell our new assistant who you’re shagging,” Louis says, biting at Niall’s calf.

 

“Yeah, before she walks in on you and has to bleach her eyes,” Zayn agrees.

 

“Oh, that.” Niall grins up at Brooke from the couch. “I’m shagging Justin Bieber.”

 

Brooke blinks. “You’re not.”

 

“He is,” four other voices chorus at once.

 

“That’s ridiculous,” Brooke says flatly.

 

“As ridiculous as wearing Bieber’s snapback on tour?” Louis asks.

 

“As ridiculous as telling the media with a totally straight face that he wouldn’t make a move on Selena Gomez because he and Justin are friends?” Harry adds.

 

“Oh dear,” Brooke replies.

 

“Nah, it’s fun.” Niall grins.

 

“So everyone goes through all this trouble just to – hide that?” Brooke asks.

 

“It’s not really trouble,” Louis says. “We’re a handsy bunch anyway.”

 

“It’s funny,” Harry adds, “because everyone thinks that if anyone, it’d be Niall who’s the straight one.”

 

“I’m defying stereotypes,” Niall agrees amiably.

 

“So you’ve been on a three-year fling with Justin Bieber, then?” Brooke is having a hard time putting this together. How would that even work?

 

“It’s not so much a fling,” Zayn says. “Sometimes it’s properly romantic.”

 

“By romantic, he means absolutely disgusting,” Liam says.

 

“Agreed,” Louis puts in. “One time, Justin rented out an entire arena just so that they could watch a _film_.”

 

“I thought that was for Selena Gomez,” Brooke says, because she does read _some_ celebrity gossip.

 

“Everyone does,” Harry agrees.

 

“Every beard needs a night off,” Louis says seriously.

 

“I suppose?” Brooke has no idea.

 

“You’d be _really_ surprised if you knew who Louis was shagging,” Harry says, with a slightly evil expression, and Louis claps a hand over Harry’s mouth and tackles him at once.

 

Brooke uses the ensuing ruckus to slip out of the room. Obviously she’s going to need to put something slightly stronger in her coffee from now on.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Louis Has a Top-Secret Boyfriend Too](https://archiveofourown.org/works/841583) by [Coyotebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coyotebee/pseuds/Coyotebee)




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